The National Treehuggers and Vegan Association (hippies to the rest of you) spewed lentils recently in reaction to a consignment of electric dog collars being seized. No, these devices don't automatically take the animals for walks and clean up their excrement. They're electric because they shock nuisance dogs every time they bark. Shock, horror, the dread locked, shoeless masses gasped. Not being an overly zealous dog lover, I for one couldn't share in this horrified astonishment. If it means keeping those constant yappers quiet, then I'm all for it. Sure it may be seen as cruel, but they are effective in training animals. But there are animals out there among us, of the the two-legged homo-sapien persuasion, who I'd pay a lot of money to have fitted with these nifty little weapons of discipline and torture. Julius Malema is the obvious first test guinea pig (It's a no-brainer, I know, but come on, what fun it would be). 'Get out you bloody agent with your white tenden... (zzzzzzttt, zap!)HEITA EINA!' The collar strikes back, sending a few volts of electricity surgingthrough Jules' body starting with his tongue. Any further outbursts of a brainless, unnecessary nature will no doubt be diminished. Jules could even have a Breitling collar to match his R250 000 watch. Malema may need two kinds of collars, actually. One to shock him when his mouth runs away, the other will have leash attached to it. This may rein him in when he goes on one of his fact-finding field trips to nationalisaiton-loving countries.
Calling Blade Nzimande, we're ready for your collar fitting now. The Uber commie's recent attack on the media (apparently the print media is a threat to democracy) is oh so deserving of a shock collar. Where were these devilish devices when Nzimande did his best to justify his ministerial handbook-protected million rand Mercedes-Benz, compliments of us tax payers. A quick jolt of electricty may have sent a rush of real Marxism to his head to remind him of just what a contradiction he is. He could even have a custom made collar complete with a hammer and sickle. In fact, maybe all those in the ANC backing the media appeals tribunal should also get a collar. I read somewhere electricity can spark up brainpowers and possibly even lead to thinking, in the case of our ruling comrades
Speaking of animal cruelty, convicted rhino poachers should be given collars. Nothing says justice quite like a few thousand volts of electricity.
Those fat cats at Eskom responsible for the country's power woes could use a few electric collars. During each period of load shedding they'd receive sustained shocks. Oh, the beauty of irony.
Finally, parliamentarians should also have collars attached to them. As a grand form of civil oversight, all citizens would be able to control the collars with a remote. Each asinine utterance, the mindless heckling, waffling, blustering and abuse of languages and our rights could be met with glorious shocks from a bored, frustrated nation. Think about it, 'Honourable speaker, I'd like to... (zzzt, zap!)YELP!' Followed by silence. Now that's a point of order. The Parliamentary channel on DSTV would finally be worth watching.
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