Happy Whatever Day!

Who is really free these days? Wasn't it some French philosopher who drone on about us being free, yet in chains everywhere? While my Std. 7 history escapes me, my common sense is very much still intact. And it tells me public holidays are as pointless as royal weddings are. Sure, we get to lie in a bit, an expected unexpected mini-holiday of sorts, which breaks the grinding monotony of work. So, why then am I writing this column from my desk at work on Freedom Day! Where did I buy my cappuccino this morning and who will fill my fuel tank later when I eventually leave work - Us schmucks to whom a public holiday is very much a dream. I'm generally not bitter about having to work on public holidays. I like my routine and having these pesky days off in the middle of a working week are as inconvenient as having to wake up 6am to go to work on a public holiday. Hang on, I've gone cross-eyed!
If it's freedom you crave or human rights you need, never fear, South Africa's calendar never strays too far away from an issue or historical event to celebrate. Of course, we don't necessarily celebrate Youth Day. June 16th 1976 is a day which remains rightly hallowed in our history books due to it's violent origins. So, we commemorate the day... in theory. The ANC Youth League has been known to throw some cracking parties on Youth Day, complete with really sombre gestures like musical entertainment, dancing and free food parcels. No one knows the history of this country better than kindergartners.
While we mark significant events in our country's history with public holidays (an excuse to stick it to the boss and the economy) I propose we introduce even more! How about Dubula Ibunu Day (or even week). Here's how the first rally will play out. Julius Malema will be escorted into FNB Stadium in a cavalcade of SUVs. His 18 para-military bodyguards, equipped with rocket launchers and Ray Bans with beat a path for him to his throne. Of course a rally just wouldn't be a rally if Jules didn't bluster forth an attack on imperialism, White people, capitalism, 2-ply toilet paper and the state of the Gulf of Mexico. This would be followed by his latest rendition of the 'Shoot the Boer' song 'Loot the poor. Hey, it rhymes! Another poignant moment in the country's history could be declared a public loaf day - Polokwane Day. We'll lie in our beds and reminisce about how uncomfortable old T-Boz looked as he awkwardly embraced his arch rival comrade, Jacob Zuma on stage after it his demise was officially announced in 2007 to a hostile and welcoming crowd of ANC delegates. We also like to focus on our national past times. There's an unofficial 'holiday' called Braai Day, which falls on Heritage Day.
Government would do well to introduce Corruption Day. An entire 24-hours can be devoted to looting and pillaging. Now, I'm not talking about our other national hobby, armed robbery. On Corruption Day, we plot and conspire against each other to steal surreptitiously and to stab each other in the back. I'm talking about the wholesale signing of dodgy tenders, re-routing social welfare funds to be deposited into your personal bank account (you of course don't even qualify for a grant).

The Cape for free... I mean, free the Cape!

Election manifestos are pretty much wish lists. Some political parties thumb suck theirs, dressing them up with what they regard as promises, liberally wrapped in fancy words, like eradicate and moratorium. Parties who've done this whole election thing before will have saved their manifestos on flash drives, so expect rushed cut and paste jobs this year, where language is only slightly tweaked and political objectives are made to sound even more orotund, abstruse and, let's never forget, unobtainable. Poetic licence is tested when political jargon is mashed and mangled with theatrics. How many times have we heard 'Pushing back the frontiers of poverty' at rallies.
Of course elections have nothing to do with morals and ethics, otherwise Truman Prince would've been laid to rest in the cemetery of politics and Julius Malema would've had his jaw wired shut. Nope, it's all about lofty ideals and laughable promises. Honesty has never lived in the same neighbourhood as politics so that's never an issue. We're expected to join politicians and take leave of our senses and intelligence over this period.
But you got to love it when a party flagrantly abandons reality. I'm not even talking about the DA's persistent dreams of seeing Helen Zille delivering a State of the Nation (instead of Province) address. I'm talking about stripped down to the bone madness.
It's treacherous driving in Cape Town at the best of times. But try maintain your composure behind the wheel if you happen to come across one of the Cape Party's election posters. I still erupt into laughter each time I read them. 'Declare the Cape independent' scream their posters to unsuspecting motorists. Here's a political grouping (read: 2 guys and a fax machine) which has almost solely based it's entire existence on one ideal (and for the sake of my credibility I daren't call it anything else but that)on one bold, if not misguided manifesto point. Firstly, let me salute this party for being, well, for want of a better word, brave. I know parties are known to embellish and dress the truth up. But the Cape Party hasn't only abandoned is credibility, it's lost touch with reality.
Okay, so it's not exactly the strongest of issues to base a manifesto on. Neither is poverty eradication. At least the party's being honest, albeit amid peels of raucous laughter and derision at those nauseating televised roundtable debates. I've witnessed this with my own eyes. At one such debate the Party's, Jack Miller, courageously stated, without a hint of sarcasm, the time for the Cape to secede from the rest of the country is now. That's was in 2009. Now, I know it feels sometimes as if Cape Town is another planet compared to it's slick, arrogant, obnoxious distant neighbour, Johannesburg, but it's still very much part of the rest of the country, despite Zille's best efforts.
It seems the Cape Party hasn't even tried to reword it's manifesto for the 2011 local government polls. What's to reword, it's one sentence, really. Maybe 'declare' could've been substituted with 'demand' (the ANC has many a time demanded an end to corruption, as if that makes sense). There a bunch of synonyms for 'independent'. Maybe their party election budget didn't extend to a thesaurus.
The banner greeting you as you enter the party's web site says 'Free the Cape'. Even more bombastic. I love it! Maybe they are not so far from the paradox of politics as I thought. Perhaps they've hit the nail on the head. Politics is all about distant ideals and a detachment from reality. Spend just a day in Parliament, that greenhouse of lies and absurdity. It may be that the Cape Party is simply doing what most parties are thinking - being outrageously and ultimately hopelessly misguided.

Hullo Gary

Dear Gary, Firstly, damn you, damn you to Pofadder and back. How dare you emigrate without checking with me first! Here I thought you were an educated whitey with a slight (must be very slight) liberal bent, keen on helping build our democr...(hack, cough, splutter). Apologies. I'm back. I had milk coming out of my nose. Couldn't finish that sentence with a straight face. Laughter is not necessarily the best medicine. No, seriously. Screw you. One day you were mowing your lawn, hurling abuse at your domestic worker. Now you laying down tiles in Perth. Where did this sudden exodus-urge come from? Anyway, no worries. I'll forward all your post to Abu Dhabi and inform State Security of your departure. You left just in time, actually. Local government elections are here and you know what that means... A PUBLIC HOLIDAY! You're envious, I can feel it in my left testicle. You're regretting the big move, aren't you? You really wanted to stick it out for the municipal elections, come on, be honest. Nothing gets your juices flowing quite like those televised political debates on SABC over election times and brain dead politicians droning about the importance of voting. Voting schmoting. I'm braaing a snoek, getting pissed and walking around my place in my underpants on the 18th of May. How much of Julius are you guys hearing about down under? Do you even care? I can assure you he doesn't. I e-mailed his mate, Floyd, the other day informing him of your patriotic treachery. He actually responded (it must be election time when the ANCYL shows an interest in anything). Do you want to know what he said? I've transcribed part of his response. "Comrade, thank you for informing us of yet another turn coat. But if your comrade is white, it should come as no surprise. Good riddance to that imperialist friend of yours. His tendencies are best served to a white dominated, western (?) power such Australia. I trust you reporting this backward, unthinking (?) behaviour of our citizens, means we will be getting your vote...".Well, you get the idea. I'd started swallowing part of my tongue by that stage of the e-mail. Have you had a DA twit call you yet at 4am to ask if they can be sure of your vote? They should've called you. I've mailed 83 different people at the DA sending them your new contact details in Oz. They still hungry (read: desperate) for any lilly-white vote they can get, no matter how far. Didn't you vote for COPE in 2009? Don't be embarrassed to admit this. Lekota and Shilowa don't seem to be too embarrassed by themselves. Yup, they still at each others throats. You could always say one of the reasons you left was out of disgust with COPE's ongoing inner-rivalry. You couldn't COPE anymore. ROTFWL, LOL, OMG, or something like that. Moving on. Shell plans to unearth the whole of the Karoo! Have you heard? Shock, horror and some spittle to go with it. Every tree-hugger and dog is up in arms. I recall you once failed to wear shoes for a whole week. I thought perhaps maybe you'd gone green and thrown your lot in with the hippies and turned to Mother Earth for answers. Apparently Shell wants to do 'fracking' in the Karoo. With alarm in my eyes I looked fracking up. I suspect one web site (www.frackme.com) may be a bit off the mark with it';s understanding of fracking. I doubt it involves cucumbers and lubrication. Fracking. I just like saying it. Gary, do you still drive down under? Have they allowed you behind a car wheel? You mos know how they are, all weird and paranoid about driving what with their being things like road laws in that strange country with the outback, barrie reef and kangaroos here road laws have been diminished to mere guidelines. Who can afford to drive here , anyway. Another fuel price hike, another month. I threatened a petrol pump attendant (you may not have them where you are. Not enough people of colour that side to man petrol pumps, I suppose) the other day. He did nothing wrong. hH simply asked if he could fill it up. Fill it up! Are you mad?! Thta's like insulting my Mother. It costs the better part of my salary (the other half goes to my f@$*ing iPhone. That's a mail for another day) to fill up with fuel. I apologised to the petrol dude. He said something in an African language or French, I never know these days who's Congolese and who is a genuine South African. I think he was upset. Anyway, Gary, I'd sign off by saying I miss you... but I don't. LOL. Have fun in Oz. Don't chip a tooth trying to be too God fearing and law abiding. Remember, it's in your South African blood to drive drunk, disrespect women and not trust anyone who isn't of your own skin colour. Kindest regards R P.S. Thanks for never returning my hammer, you lent 6-years ago. What will I use now to scare away the beggars and Jehovah's Witnesses on Sunday mornings.