Where is my Xmas?

Where to begin? Let's start at the end. December 2011, sitting at my work desk, that barbell around my neck, the din of that last minute/hour/second until the 'festive season' is meant to dawn. Festive my poephol. I sluch further into my chair. A colleague groans int he distance. I attempt it myself, a groan, a moan, a whinge. Computer says NO, NEIN, NEE. And I slouch further, deeper. Okay, so I turn to booze, my liquid mate of merriment and potential idiocy. By mid-December, my liver bit me. Eina. My brain, addled by an array of substances, clicks, clanks, churns and stops short of... well, stopping. Food, yes, binge-eating, that be the answer. Who cooks then? eat out, the merry morons urge. With what money? No bonus, no 13th check, no profit share, fuck all. My fiance eyes me like Ali over her fists. I swear to Jah, I'll fight her over cooking duties. Klap, bam, slap! With blue eyes and batter ego, the realisation dawns on me - the woman cooks food. I cook kak. I reach deep into my abyss, searching for hope to drag me into 2012, minus hang ups, arsehoels and further injuries. The abyss says NO, NEIN, NIKS. Where to from here? Hopelessness and boredom pervade me and I have a sore throat. Who cares any more, apart from parents desperate to keep the little ones from moaning over tether ball, socks and shoes for Xmas. Merry Xmas, Happy Hanukkah, and Yeeha Kwanzaa.

Boo hoo, where's the booze?!

Okay, so it's it's the silly season, which means, well, we can become all go out of minds with madness and joy, no matter how misguided this sense of happiness may be over this period. Some of us (me) may probably take the silliness a step further. Who'd blame us? I'm thinking outright derangement, a complete loss of the usual functions of my brain. Mix jolly with some silly and you get Christmas. Now, I wanted to spend the next few paragraph happily attacking the (evil) spirit and spirits of Christmas. But then the news came to my rescue, more specifically Government. Apparently Social Development minister, Bathabile Dlamini, has urged her colleagues and other government officials to have alcohol-free end-of-the-year functions. Pause, scratch head. Fall to the ground crying with laughter. That's like asking a tik addict to, well, kick the habit in a day. I thought the only way you get into government is if you are drunk. Inebriation may also be necessary to cope with the levels of incompetence seen in our corridors of power It certainly seems when government ministry's HR departments are recruiting, they do so pissed out of their skulls thanks to them having to adhere to Employment Equity policies so turgid and obtuse they make trigonometry seem easy. Surely one also needs to be intoxicated to be able to swallow the poo and drivel that comes out of most minister's mouths. Look at President Jacob Zuma's "communications advisor", Zizi Kodwa, and his recent brush with the drunk driving police. Of course he insists he hasn't had a drink in years. Yet admits in the same breath he only has a drink on special occasions, such as end of the month, when he gets his salary check. I'd also smile heartily with a Johnny Walker Blue label and a straw poised near my lips if I was cashing in from the JZ gravy train.
To ban booze at government parties, would be like banning blue light convoys. I can just see the grimaces, the looks of despair, lips being molded into crevices of disgust at the mere suggestion of taking away precious liquor from the mouths of government staffers! For many, the only reason they got into government was for the freebies, which include all the free finger food you can stuff into a pot belly. Not to mention all the dodgy tenders fund swirling around government offices. Yummy, money! I, for one, would never ban alcohol at my end-of-the year parties. Never! It's all I have at the end of a year, apart from a broken soul and some tattered sanity It's one of the few things I can count on to get me threw the festive period without going postal. Can you imagine a whole month of sober government officials?! Things may just start working as they should. At the very least, they'd become more bearable to deal with.