Hullo Gary

Dear Gary, Firstly, damn you, damn you to Pofadder and back. How dare you emigrate without checking with me first! Here I thought you were an educated whitey with a slight (must be very slight) liberal bent, keen on helping build our democr...(hack, cough, splutter). Apologies. I'm back. I had milk coming out of my nose. Couldn't finish that sentence with a straight face. Laughter is not necessarily the best medicine. No, seriously. Screw you. One day you were mowing your lawn, hurling abuse at your domestic worker. Now you laying down tiles in Perth. Where did this sudden exodus-urge come from? Anyway, no worries. I'll forward all your post to Abu Dhabi and inform State Security of your departure. You left just in time, actually. Local government elections are here and you know what that means... A PUBLIC HOLIDAY! You're envious, I can feel it in my left testicle. You're regretting the big move, aren't you? You really wanted to stick it out for the municipal elections, come on, be honest. Nothing gets your juices flowing quite like those televised political debates on SABC over election times and brain dead politicians droning about the importance of voting. Voting schmoting. I'm braaing a snoek, getting pissed and walking around my place in my underpants on the 18th of May. How much of Julius are you guys hearing about down under? Do you even care? I can assure you he doesn't. I e-mailed his mate, Floyd, the other day informing him of your patriotic treachery. He actually responded (it must be election time when the ANCYL shows an interest in anything). Do you want to know what he said? I've transcribed part of his response. "Comrade, thank you for informing us of yet another turn coat. But if your comrade is white, it should come as no surprise. Good riddance to that imperialist friend of yours. His tendencies are best served to a white dominated, western (?) power such Australia. I trust you reporting this backward, unthinking (?) behaviour of our citizens, means we will be getting your vote...".Well, you get the idea. I'd started swallowing part of my tongue by that stage of the e-mail. Have you had a DA twit call you yet at 4am to ask if they can be sure of your vote? They should've called you. I've mailed 83 different people at the DA sending them your new contact details in Oz. They still hungry (read: desperate) for any lilly-white vote they can get, no matter how far. Didn't you vote for COPE in 2009? Don't be embarrassed to admit this. Lekota and Shilowa don't seem to be too embarrassed by themselves. Yup, they still at each others throats. You could always say one of the reasons you left was out of disgust with COPE's ongoing inner-rivalry. You couldn't COPE anymore. ROTFWL, LOL, OMG, or something like that. Moving on. Shell plans to unearth the whole of the Karoo! Have you heard? Shock, horror and some spittle to go with it. Every tree-hugger and dog is up in arms. I recall you once failed to wear shoes for a whole week. I thought perhaps maybe you'd gone green and thrown your lot in with the hippies and turned to Mother Earth for answers. Apparently Shell wants to do 'fracking' in the Karoo. With alarm in my eyes I looked fracking up. I suspect one web site (www.frackme.com) may be a bit off the mark with it';s understanding of fracking. I doubt it involves cucumbers and lubrication. Fracking. I just like saying it. Gary, do you still drive down under? Have they allowed you behind a car wheel? You mos know how they are, all weird and paranoid about driving what with their being things like road laws in that strange country with the outback, barrie reef and kangaroos here road laws have been diminished to mere guidelines. Who can afford to drive here , anyway. Another fuel price hike, another month. I threatened a petrol pump attendant (you may not have them where you are. Not enough people of colour that side to man petrol pumps, I suppose) the other day. He did nothing wrong. hH simply asked if he could fill it up. Fill it up! Are you mad?! Thta's like insulting my Mother. It costs the better part of my salary (the other half goes to my f@$*ing iPhone. That's a mail for another day) to fill up with fuel. I apologised to the petrol dude. He said something in an African language or French, I never know these days who's Congolese and who is a genuine South African. I think he was upset. Anyway, Gary, I'd sign off by saying I miss you... but I don't. LOL. Have fun in Oz. Don't chip a tooth trying to be too God fearing and law abiding. Remember, it's in your South African blood to drive drunk, disrespect women and not trust anyone who isn't of your own skin colour. Kindest regards R P.S. Thanks for never returning my hammer, you lent 6-years ago. What will I use now to scare away the beggars and Jehovah's Witnesses on Sunday mornings.