Weighing in

I've been held up before at gun point. I've been mugged 4 times. I've encountered angry protesters, been stoned (with rocks not weed), my life threatened and a gun put to my head. I've been lucky/unlucky enough to have travelled to some of the worst parts of the world (Zimbabwe included). Yet in the face of these dodgy situations, there is no bigger danger than the question: 'Does my bum look big in these jeans?' being asked by a woman, girlfriend or wife. Even typing the question sends a shiver down my spine. When confronted with this question, my mind races, sweat beds down my brow, language escapes me and I usually fumble with the stock answer 'Of course not! Ridiculous' followed by a swift exit. I'm usually not lying. I couldn't give a damn about what bums look like in jeans. I'm just interested in what they look like outside of clothing. Hey, I'm a man, what did you expect?
I've come to dread and hate this question in equal measures. I could launch into a dithering diatribe about feminism, the objectification of the fairer sex and the importance of women's rights. In South Africa you are never allowed to forget how we must be all simunye with the ladies, how we must love, protect and respect them. Duh, that's a given. But I guess in a country like ours where misogyny is regarded as a national past time and our president collects wives like stamps, we need regular reminders.
Then you have the added strain of comments like 'I feel fat!' or 'I look hidous in this dress!' screeching from a woman's mouth, which make the minefield of gender relations even more treacherous. There's the shiver again, brrrr. If it weren't a social taboo (and if my fear of hugging wasn't so rampant and debilitating) I'd go onto the streets and hug every curvy, voluptuous, slightly weighty woman, before looking them in the eye with a firm assurance 'You are beautiful as you are.' Cue the soppy music. But I know this won't work. I'd either be punched and accused of being sardonic and sarcatsi or the assurance would be short-lived as the reality of how women perceive themselves would soon return. Cosmopolitan repeatedly does its bit for the 'Sisters doing it for themselves' campaign with articles insisting 'Curves are back!'. Turn the page, a skinny woman flaunting her bones (because that's usually all there is to these models) is ghalring at you, hunger probably eveident in her eyes. So, 'women's magazines' do little to reinforce what should be the norm - all woman have curves and those who don't are actually the exception. I've never dated a traditionally skinny woman. I don't even know what constitutes skinny anymore. Kate Moss? I was lucky to discover early in my adulthood that I prefer curvy females. In fact, I love them. There are few things more off -putting to me than a super-skinny woman (I'm not talking about anorexics). I'm left cold by their lack of weight, the absence of curves, bones sticking out, often unnaturally. Their lack of wieght is usually accompanied by a 'Sexier than thou' attitude.No thanks. Give me a woman with with a tummy, even those with the much derided muffin tops are supremely sexier than a stick insect sucking on her twentieth cigarette (for appetite suppression), nibbling on a whole packet of lo-GI, no-weight, flavourless no added anything rice cakes,who thinks her shrunken rear end, with it's distinct lack of shape, is the epitome of an attractive woman. Gluteus maximus to such types should be no-gluteus minimus.
Europeans have long embraced voluptuousness. The women flaunt their curves. They don't do so out of bravery. It's almost the norm to them... ALMOST. In Africa, there are cultures which openly embrace curves on the ladies. Sadly, hypocrisy intervenes, with many men regarding women as nothing but commodities and objects.
I've run out of words and have even considered taking up another language so as to emphasise the point to the women in my life that curvaceous is the new sexy. No, wait, it's always been sexy! I'm not enlightened or even a feminist by saying this (and I'm not looking for a Noddy badge). I believe I'm just pointing out what should be a very normal and obvious point - a bit of weight on a woman is gorgeous and should NEVER be derided. However, communicating this and ensuring it sticks in the ehads of the great majority of women is another battle in a long-standing war.